Change

I've been dreading writing this post.  And yearning to write it.
I'm not going to return to Nicaragua. There, I said it.  Why am I not going back? That's the part that is hard to write.
When I was in Nicaragua, I quickly discovered that the internship would not be what I hoped.  The job situation and description weren't a very good fit for me.  But I was determined to see it through.  I came back to the States very sick.  Over the next couple of months, Miles made me pretty miserable.  People constantly asked me if I would reconsider going back.  I always said my decision was made - I would return.  I frequently looked up plane tickets and travel dates.  I never purchased any tickets because of the unease in my stomach.  Invariably, I would look up tickets on a Tuesday or Wednesday, the days I felt the best. By Friday, Miles would be announcing his presence and I would feel terrible.  But I was still going back to Nicaragua as soon as I got rid of him and regained energy/strength.
It took me a long time to realize that my earlier motivations for going to Nicaragua were replaced.  As uncomfortable as it is to say, I was going back out of pride.  Because I said I was going to do something and I didn't want to back out.  Because I told you that I was going.  And because I thought you would think less of me if I didn't. (I wasn't kidding when I said this post was hard to write!)
When I realized this, it hit me pretty hard.  I know that those reasons are terrible reasons to pack up and move to a foreign country to help other people.  So I spent some time in prayer.  I told God that I was willing to do the internship regardless of how difficult it was.  I told Him that I knew if I went, He would meet me there and would be my Sustainer.  Then, I told God that I was willing to stay in the States. I was willing to tell all of my friends that I wasn't going back to Nicaragua.  I told Him that I was willing to contact all of my sponsors and tell them of the change in plans and return the money they'd entrusted to me.  I told Him that I was willing to live at my parents house and be unemployed for a while (though over the last 6ish years, I've repeatedly told Him that I was not going do ever do that). The second option was the hardest for me to be willing to do.  Pride rears its ugly head.  But in my prayers, I begged God for a peace about my decision.
As I prayed, I visualized how it would be to choose each option.  As I thought about buying the ticket and living in Nicaragua, that familiar unease in my stomach was present.  As I thought about staying with all that comes with it, I felt a peace sweep over me.  And that's exactly what I asked for.
So what am I doing now? Well, I'm working on recovering from the havoc that Miles and pride have thrown into my life.   I'm staying with my parents for now.  I'm still unemployed for now.  I have no idea what I'm going to do next.  And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm excited to see where God leads in this new, unplanned adventure!

The Ups and Downs of January and February

Blog? Oh yeah, I have one of those. I should probably write on it occasionally...

I spent the majority of January on my parents' couch.  After the powders and herbal pills didn't kill Miles, I took the antibiotics.  The antibiotics were worse than Miles.  In addition to the symptoms Miles had brought me, the antibiotic made everything taste like metal.  I already had no appetite, but the metallic taste in my mouth made eating quite unappealing. I practically lived on grape Kool-Aid for about a week and a half.  Oh, and then the doctor made me get on the scale. Since I left Branson, I've lost about 20 pounds....

Funny story about that: a little old lady saw me walking down a hallway. She asked me how tall I am. When I told her that I was about 5'8" she was shocked. She informed me that I looked 6'3" but that was probably just because I was so skinny....losing 20 pounds makes me look like I grew 7 inches???

After I was done with the antibiotics, my appetite did return.  I'm not well yet, but I am better.  My digestive system isn't normal, I'm still spending lots of time napping on the couch and I don't have much energy or strength.

Another fun story: My dad and I went to lunch. I was driving his antique Datsun that lacks power steering.  When I tried to park, I couldn't turn the wheel. At all. I was actually out of my seat pulling with all my weight.  Couldn't turn the wheel.  It probably didn't help that I was laughing at the ridiculousness of my weakness. My dad finally had to reach over and help me so we could park the truck. Maybe when I get some energy I should start working out...

Most days I think Miles is dead, other days I'm not so sure. I'll know for sure in a couple of weeks; I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on March 8 (yeah, my life is sooo much fun, try not to be jealous, okay?). Hopefully by then I'll be well and the doc will tell me that I can buy my ticket back to Nicaragua.

Now, despite being sick, I've still enjoyed the last couple of months.  I've been able to attend a wedding, go camping, play in the snow, and traveled with my family to my sister's college for Family Weekend.  And lately I've been baking a lot.  My parents told me they'll miss the cakes, cookies and pies when I leave. :)

It's too bad that blogging isn't as fun as making desserts...otherwise I'd blog all the time! Ohhh...and I'd love suggestions on new desserts to try!

The One About Miles

Well, it is now January 3.  When I left Nicaragua right before Thanksgiving, the plan was to be stateside for the holidays and be flying back to Nicaragua by today.  My plans changed quite a bit.  I'm still in Arkansas at my parents' house.  And it all is because of Miles.
Who is Miles? He's my pet.  He lives in my small intestine. Yeah, I have a parasite.  Officially, this parasite is known as Giardia.  I apparently ate/drank something that was contaminated by feces. Awesome.
 And why exactly did I name my parasite? Ummm...because I can?  haha! It seemed like a good idea at the time.  (My family has had lots of fun discussing Miles around people that don't know I have a parasite...)  Interesting fact: Giardia under a microscope looks like a smiley face or a clown's face.  But, as you might have guessed, having a parasite (even one with a friendly name like Miles) isn't fun.
Disclaimer: if you have a sensitive stomach, or just don't like reading about symptoms of parasites, please stop reading! haha :) seriously though.
For most of the time since I've been back in the US, I've had little to no appetite.  After I eat, my stomach feels terrible and it seems like there's quite a battle going on in my stomach. Also, Giardia is known to cause lactose intolerance in people, which is unfortunate because I love dairy products.  By Christmas, I'd lost 10 pounds.  I've had practically no energy.  Oh, and then there is Friday.  I'm guessing there is a set life-cycle for Miles before I get Miles Jr. and then Miles Jr. Jr, etc.  I'm guessing that that reproduction occurs on Friday.  Because on Fridays I throw up.  Let's just say that I'm not excited for Fridays!  I'll spare you the rest of the symptoms because no one really wants to know.  (Except Brian, the guy from the health department who called the other day.  He wanted all of the details to document my pet in case of an outbreak...it was a really fun conversation...)
Obviously, as soon as I discovered that Miles existed, I wanted to kill him (though I did name him first...)! Most commonly, Giardia is fought with antibiotics.  However, I didn't go that route for a couple of reasons.
1.) The medical doctor I saw when I returned from Nicaragua seemed to think I was just constipated and recommended laxatives.  Needless to say, the laxatives solved nothing.
2.) The nurse that called me to finally tell me what was going on (after I had to request more testing) couldn't pronounce or spell Giardia (or for that matter the town I live in!).  In fact, she asked me to look up Giardia online and call her back to explain it to her!
3.) The antibiotic prescribed to me was from the previously mentioned doctor and nurse (both of whom seem totally competent...uh..).  Also, that medication causes lots of nausea.  I was about to leave on an 8 hour road trip for the holdiays.  Oh, and I was already nauseous.
So, I went to see a doctor who treats with probiotics and herbs and acupuncture.  I'm not entirely sure what probiotics are or what herbs I'm taking. I don't even know what his medical background is (though I do know that he is familiar with Giardia, which is kind of important)!  I just know that for the week surrounding Christmas I was taking whiteish/yellowish powder twice a day and a total of 36 herbal pills a day.  Now, I'm down to 12 pills a day plus the powder (and the weekly acupuncture).
And this past Friday? The first Friday since my return to the US that I didn't throw up!!!  The doctor says I'm getting better and should be well soon (then Miles will be dead!!!). I'm still tired a lot and feel nauseous some.  My appetite isn't back to normal, nor is my digestive system.  But, I'm hoping that the doctor is right and I'm getting well.
My return to Nicaragua has been delayed, though I am still going back.  My plan right now is to buy my plane ticket as soon as I feel recovered.  The goal is mid-January, but I'm not going back until I am fully recovered.  And once in Nicaragua, the goal will be to not to pick up any more pets!

My second week in Nicaragua

I survived Tuesday, though I can't say I recall a whole lot about it.  I know I was still feverish, nauseous, dizzy and ran to the bathroom a lot.  I did feel well enough to shower.  The shower is pretty much a garden hose on the wall.  It's a steady stream of cold water. So, most of the time while I was running a fever, I avoided the cold shower!

Okay, so I have a confession: I am terrible at journaling. Absolutely terrible.  Which is one reason I swore I'd never blog. Ha! I did really good journaling my first week or so. After that, my journal entries definitely went downhill. So, I can pretty much sum up the last journal entries like this:

Wednesday: Today, I noticed an amusing t-shirt. Tatiana, who is probably about five, was wearing a t-shirt much too large for her.  On the front of the shirt, it read "I'm ghetto" while the back read "I'm fly."  I started laughing and pointed out the shirt to Mallory, who also laughed.  One of the other kids overheard us.  Donald, who is about eight, read the shirt out loud, trying to sound cool.  Unfortunately for him, he didn't know how to pronounce it.  So pretty much he said, "I'm flea." But he was pretty proud of himself. Haha!

On Thursday, Mallory and I were walking past Tatiana's mom, Elia.  She pointed at me and said "Barbie" and pointed at Mallory and said something in Spanish.  We were confused, so she said it again.  Mallory recognized the word this time: "Dollface."  I'm fairly certain that I look nothing like Barbie...especially when I'm wearing basketball shorts, t-shirt, no makeup and hair thrown up in a messy bun.  But hey, I take compliments!

Then, I promptly forgot to journal anything for the last 3 1/2 days...woops!  I do remember that it rained on Friday...and that the women sewed potato bags.  (Yes, more sewing. And potato bag sewing is potentially something I will be in charge of...) Saturday was an office day, so Mallory and I went to April's house.  After we finished e-mails and such, we went to a bazaar.  There were about 20 organizations selling products ranging from food to clothes to jewelry to small decorative furniture.  We had a booth there as well.  I didn't buy much, but I did find a Christmas ornament. It was made by children who live at the dump.  They take materials from the dump and fashion them into ornaments.  

After church on Sunday, Mallory and I went to the mall with some friends. Their parents are missionaries in Nicaragua.  We had lunch and wandered around for a while.  Then we went to their house and watched football  :) until it was time to go back to church for the Thanksgiving dinner.  Yep,  football + Thanksgiving dinner! 

Monday was my last day in Nicaragua (this time around, anyway!).  It was a pretty chill day.  Mallory and I ate lunch with the women and children at House of Hope.  The rice and bean soup was good and very filling. After lunch, I packed up my stuff and then Mallory and I walked to a venta, which is a small roadside store.  That afternoon, I felt my stomach begin to act up, so I avoided eating the rest of the day.

Mike came to get me at 4:30 Tuesday morning.  I said my goodbyes in the dark and hopped in the car.  When we got to the airport, he noticed that my flight wasn't listed on the outgoing flights board.  I wasn't too thrilled to hear that!  Fortunately, it wasn't a problem.  The airline I was supposed to be flying on (Copa) is affiliated with Continental airline.  I guess they'd automatically transferred my reservation...not entirely sure.  I just know that they let me on a plane back to the US!  I finally ate a little bit of food on the flight.  Bad idea.  Every bit of turbulence we hit, my stomach reminded me that it was not grateful for the food I'd eaten. I'm just glad I didn't have to climb across my neighbors to get to the bathroom.  Once in Houston, the customs and immigrations agents allowed me to come back into the country (which I was quite happy about!) and a few hours later, my dad picked me up from the airport.  Back in the USA!

The one with volcano pictures

Sunday morning, my stomach wasn't feeling too good still, so I skipped breakfast.  At church (which is open-air) I was freezing, which told me I was still running a fever.  After church, the current intern, Mallory, and I joined the mission team for an outing.  To a volcano. Masaya volcano, to be specific. When we arrived at the base of the volcano, I debated on whether I should climb it or not.  After all, I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I was running a fever. BUT...it's a volcano. Who comes to see a volcano and stays on the bus??

This is the view from the base of the volcano.  It had stairs the whole way up, so it was an easy climb (except my legs kept shaking...not really sure why).  Apparently it was a hot day and most people were sweating walking up this thing.  I had goosebumps.

From the top of the volcano looking left.  The smell of sulfur was overpowering when the wind blew the gas towards us.  But it looked cool...

The valley that we drove through coming up. Our bus actually broke on the last part of the hill coming up.  We had to wait until another bus could come get us to leave the volcano.

From the top of the volcano looking right

Looking left again.  You can see the wind blowing the gas.

More scenery from the top of the volcano.

Looking down at the (broken) bus.

The volcano was pretty cool.  These are the only pictures that I took in the two weeks that I was in Nicaragua. But, hey, at least I took some!

After the volcano, we drove to the market for lunch.  I figured I should avoid the greasy chicken and other unidentifiable food since my stomach wasn't feeling good.  I went for the plain rice and hoped it was not very buttery.  After lunch, we wandered around the market looking at the various shops.  I didn't last long shopping (no surprise there, considering how much I dislike shopping) and went to sleep in the bus.  By the time the team came back to the bus, I was pretty miserable.  I was absolutely freezing and everything seemed really confusing.  I'm guessing my fever was pretty high.  

A couple of hours later, I was finally back in my room.  I tried to eat a granola bar before taking some medicine.  That didn't work.  My rice made a reappearance.  And a couple of minutes later, I was again running out to my porch hanging over the side. (the bathroom was way too far away!).  When I stood up, my neighbor Bertha was standing on her porch staring at me.  The next thing I knew, she was standing next to me telling me that my skin was on fire.  She was trying to cool me down by rinsing her arms in cold water and placing them on my neck and face.  I went in my room and put on a couple of layers of clothes.  Bertha tucked me in and left me with very specific instructions that I was to come get her if I needed anything during the night.  All of her directions were in Spanish, but I knew exactly what she said.  I fell asleep quickly, but woke an hour later running for the porch again.  And again an hour later.  It was a rough night.  

When I woke up Monday morning, my esophagus was very sore.  I ended up not going to my boss' house for an office day and went back to bed.  I spent the majority of the day in bed.  Around three, I managed to take some meds and eat a little bread.  (my options for eating mostly consisted of granola bars, mac and cheese, and sandwich stuff).  Bertha came by a couple of times to check on me, as did some of my other neighbors.  Oscar and Vilma, some of the awesome Nicaraguan staff, came by and prayed over me.  Another of my neighbors came by and swept and mopped my room and porch.  Mallory brought me a book and more medicine.  I went to bed early knowing that I needed to feel a lot better the next day, because it was a Tuesday - aka crazy day.

More from my first week in Nicaragua

Wednesday brought more sewing. Fortunately for me, I won't normally be helping with sewing shirts.  We were only doing it this time because the mission team was there to help and teach sewing.  And since the team was there, after sewing, it was time to set up THE KIT.
THE KIT is two large suitcases and a basket, all full of cards, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, jewelry sets, gift tags, potato bags, and Christmas ornaments.  I'll be in charge of keeping THE KIT stocked.  At least weekly, I'll arrange all the contents on tables and try to sell things.  I'm really good at selling things. So good in fact, that I have always had my younger sister sell things for me...so I just let the current intern sell stuff that day, while I watched and tried to remember how much each item cost.  You might wonder why I capitalize THE KIT.  Mostly it's because I'm so looking forward to lugging it around (it's pretty heavy/bulky) and remembering what I sell out of it so I can re-stock it.  And sometimes, it is just helpful to capitalize things.
It was the 10th, which apparently is toiletry day.  So, Mallory showed me her process of deciding how much shampoo/conditioner/soap/toothpaste/toothbrushes that each household (or dormitory) gets.  Of course, all of this is based on how much of the supplies we have in the cabinet. Which of course depends on what has been donated.  So, it's not an exact science. It's more like "Oh, well she has long hair...but she has mostly boys.  So, let's pour some of her shampoo into this bottle which we'll give to this family because they have more girls."  and "Okay, let's give these toothbrushes to this family, so that all the kids will have fun toothbrushes that look alike."  There are around 60 people that live at House of Hope that need toiletries.
After toiletries were passed out, it was dinner time.  The water was out, but Mallory was prepared for such occasions.  She cooked dinner for me (yay for mac&cheese and green beans!) and let me e-mail my parents so they'd know I was ok.  I was hoping for a shower, with the water that was not an option.  But, hey, lice only like clean hair. So if I don't shower...maybe I won't get lice...maybe greasy hair is the way to go!
Thursday was when all the newness/craziness caught up to me.  It was a rough day of just being overwhelmed. I still had the cold I'd brought with me from the States and I'd been running fever off and on all week. The water did come back on though.
By Friday, we had a new mission team.  They had a Spanish speaker who led a counseling session.  I helped a couple of team members watch the little kids during this time.  The one-year-old I ended up holding cried for a while before falling asleep.  While asleep, she peed on me.  Awesome.  Good thing I like that kid ;)
Most of the day was spent with the residents who were making jewelry.  I'm supposed to supervise and help. So I guess I'm the jewelry expert? Haha. Fortunately, most of the women know what they're doing already.  So I just watched and tried to communicate a little bit.
On Saturday nights, the older girls go to a local church for youth group.  Mallory usually goes, but wasn't feeling well.  When I went to tell Mallory that I wasn't going since I didn't feel well, I discovered she'd already asked one of the residents to show me around that night at youth group.  The resident was my neighbor Bertha (which sounds more like Bear - ta), who was beaming and hollering for me to come.  So, of course, I went to youth group.  To get to youth group, we take the truck.  One of the guys from the church comes and drives the truck and all of the girls pile in the bed of the truck. Most of the girls dress up for church and put on makeup as we drive.  Of course, by time we get to church, we're all rather windblown...In Nicaragua, it's common to see lots of guys or families in the back of the truck.  It's not common to see lots of female teenagers/young women.  So there were lots of stares, whistles and guys hollering as we drove across Managua.
Bertha took her job of showing me around very seriously.  She told me when to walk, where to walk, when to sit, when to stand...haha! The girls also had to help me figure out when I was supposed to close my eyes for prayer and when to open them! By the end of the youth group, my stomach wasn't feeling so well, so I skipped dinner that night...

Martes (Tuesday)

The roosters started crowing at 3 am. The women and children that live at House of Hope were up by 4.  This was Tuesday, the craziest day of the week.  On Tuesdays, around 300 women and teenage girls come from all over Managua to House of Hope.  Many of them are still active in prostitution.  After a time of singing and Bible study, it's production time.  Different tables have different tasks.  Some make greeting cards, others make gift tags, still others make bracelets, while others make earrings.  I learned that I'll be in charge of five tables.  Mine are all bead making tables.  The women cut up wrapping paper and roll it onto a toothpick and then put brillo (which is like clear nail-polish) on it to keep it from unraveling.  The result is a bead which will (on a following Tuesday) be put onto a bracelet or earring.  Some of the tables I observed made over 600 beads.  I'm in charge of making sure all 5 tables have the needed supplies.  I also am supposed to make sure they don't steal any of the supplies (apparently some of the women take supplies and make more beads at home and then bring them later to make the day's total much higher).  At the end of the morning, I will be counting all the beads made for the day.  Since the amount of money they make is mostly determined by how many beads are produced, the women watch the counting process very closely.  Sometimes they try to manipulate the process or argue the final count.  Should be fun.
After production is finished, the residents clean up the area and it's lunch time.  This particular Tuesday, there was a mission team at House of Hope, so after lunch we had another project.  The North American ladies were teaching the residents to sew school uniforms.  I was helping cut out the fabric.  The pattern was in Spanish, and the ladies helping me couldn't read. Oh, and the directions were wrong. And Home Ec wasn't my best subject in school anyway (not to mention it was about 8 years ago). It was awesome.
After sewing, the current intern took me to the grocery store.  It was a store designed for gringos, so it looked like any grocery store in the US. Except all the prices were in cordobas.  So some prices said things like 166.68. Which looks really crazy. But it's only about $7. So anyway, I was trying to find food items that I could cook on a hot plate. (The current intern was really nice and loaned me a hot plate, a pot and some dishes.)  I hope I get a lot better at cooking...
Speaking of things I need to get better at...driving a stick shift vehicle!  I haven't done that in about 5 years (and it wasn't my favorite then!). But in Nicaragua, that's the only option.  And for my job (or to get to the grocery store) I'll have to drive.  Nope, I can't read the road signs.  And yes, Nicaraguan drivers are crazy! And yes, the roads are absolutely terrible.  Should keep things interesting...