Change

I've been dreading writing this post.  And yearning to write it.
I'm not going to return to Nicaragua. There, I said it.  Why am I not going back? That's the part that is hard to write.
When I was in Nicaragua, I quickly discovered that the internship would not be what I hoped.  The job situation and description weren't a very good fit for me.  But I was determined to see it through.  I came back to the States very sick.  Over the next couple of months, Miles made me pretty miserable.  People constantly asked me if I would reconsider going back.  I always said my decision was made - I would return.  I frequently looked up plane tickets and travel dates.  I never purchased any tickets because of the unease in my stomach.  Invariably, I would look up tickets on a Tuesday or Wednesday, the days I felt the best. By Friday, Miles would be announcing his presence and I would feel terrible.  But I was still going back to Nicaragua as soon as I got rid of him and regained energy/strength.
It took me a long time to realize that my earlier motivations for going to Nicaragua were replaced.  As uncomfortable as it is to say, I was going back out of pride.  Because I said I was going to do something and I didn't want to back out.  Because I told you that I was going.  And because I thought you would think less of me if I didn't. (I wasn't kidding when I said this post was hard to write!)
When I realized this, it hit me pretty hard.  I know that those reasons are terrible reasons to pack up and move to a foreign country to help other people.  So I spent some time in prayer.  I told God that I was willing to do the internship regardless of how difficult it was.  I told Him that I knew if I went, He would meet me there and would be my Sustainer.  Then, I told God that I was willing to stay in the States. I was willing to tell all of my friends that I wasn't going back to Nicaragua.  I told Him that I was willing to contact all of my sponsors and tell them of the change in plans and return the money they'd entrusted to me.  I told Him that I was willing to live at my parents house and be unemployed for a while (though over the last 6ish years, I've repeatedly told Him that I was not going do ever do that). The second option was the hardest for me to be willing to do.  Pride rears its ugly head.  But in my prayers, I begged God for a peace about my decision.
As I prayed, I visualized how it would be to choose each option.  As I thought about buying the ticket and living in Nicaragua, that familiar unease in my stomach was present.  As I thought about staying with all that comes with it, I felt a peace sweep over me.  And that's exactly what I asked for.
So what am I doing now? Well, I'm working on recovering from the havoc that Miles and pride have thrown into my life.   I'm staying with my parents for now.  I'm still unemployed for now.  I have no idea what I'm going to do next.  And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm excited to see where God leads in this new, unplanned adventure!