Change

I've been dreading writing this post.  And yearning to write it.
I'm not going to return to Nicaragua. There, I said it.  Why am I not going back? That's the part that is hard to write.
When I was in Nicaragua, I quickly discovered that the internship would not be what I hoped.  The job situation and description weren't a very good fit for me.  But I was determined to see it through.  I came back to the States very sick.  Over the next couple of months, Miles made me pretty miserable.  People constantly asked me if I would reconsider going back.  I always said my decision was made - I would return.  I frequently looked up plane tickets and travel dates.  I never purchased any tickets because of the unease in my stomach.  Invariably, I would look up tickets on a Tuesday or Wednesday, the days I felt the best. By Friday, Miles would be announcing his presence and I would feel terrible.  But I was still going back to Nicaragua as soon as I got rid of him and regained energy/strength.
It took me a long time to realize that my earlier motivations for going to Nicaragua were replaced.  As uncomfortable as it is to say, I was going back out of pride.  Because I said I was going to do something and I didn't want to back out.  Because I told you that I was going.  And because I thought you would think less of me if I didn't. (I wasn't kidding when I said this post was hard to write!)
When I realized this, it hit me pretty hard.  I know that those reasons are terrible reasons to pack up and move to a foreign country to help other people.  So I spent some time in prayer.  I told God that I was willing to do the internship regardless of how difficult it was.  I told Him that I knew if I went, He would meet me there and would be my Sustainer.  Then, I told God that I was willing to stay in the States. I was willing to tell all of my friends that I wasn't going back to Nicaragua.  I told Him that I was willing to contact all of my sponsors and tell them of the change in plans and return the money they'd entrusted to me.  I told Him that I was willing to live at my parents house and be unemployed for a while (though over the last 6ish years, I've repeatedly told Him that I was not going do ever do that). The second option was the hardest for me to be willing to do.  Pride rears its ugly head.  But in my prayers, I begged God for a peace about my decision.
As I prayed, I visualized how it would be to choose each option.  As I thought about buying the ticket and living in Nicaragua, that familiar unease in my stomach was present.  As I thought about staying with all that comes with it, I felt a peace sweep over me.  And that's exactly what I asked for.
So what am I doing now? Well, I'm working on recovering from the havoc that Miles and pride have thrown into my life.   I'm staying with my parents for now.  I'm still unemployed for now.  I have no idea what I'm going to do next.  And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm excited to see where God leads in this new, unplanned adventure!

The Ups and Downs of January and February

Blog? Oh yeah, I have one of those. I should probably write on it occasionally...

I spent the majority of January on my parents' couch.  After the powders and herbal pills didn't kill Miles, I took the antibiotics.  The antibiotics were worse than Miles.  In addition to the symptoms Miles had brought me, the antibiotic made everything taste like metal.  I already had no appetite, but the metallic taste in my mouth made eating quite unappealing. I practically lived on grape Kool-Aid for about a week and a half.  Oh, and then the doctor made me get on the scale. Since I left Branson, I've lost about 20 pounds....

Funny story about that: a little old lady saw me walking down a hallway. She asked me how tall I am. When I told her that I was about 5'8" she was shocked. She informed me that I looked 6'3" but that was probably just because I was so skinny....losing 20 pounds makes me look like I grew 7 inches???

After I was done with the antibiotics, my appetite did return.  I'm not well yet, but I am better.  My digestive system isn't normal, I'm still spending lots of time napping on the couch and I don't have much energy or strength.

Another fun story: My dad and I went to lunch. I was driving his antique Datsun that lacks power steering.  When I tried to park, I couldn't turn the wheel. At all. I was actually out of my seat pulling with all my weight.  Couldn't turn the wheel.  It probably didn't help that I was laughing at the ridiculousness of my weakness. My dad finally had to reach over and help me so we could park the truck. Maybe when I get some energy I should start working out...

Most days I think Miles is dead, other days I'm not so sure. I'll know for sure in a couple of weeks; I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on March 8 (yeah, my life is sooo much fun, try not to be jealous, okay?). Hopefully by then I'll be well and the doc will tell me that I can buy my ticket back to Nicaragua.

Now, despite being sick, I've still enjoyed the last couple of months.  I've been able to attend a wedding, go camping, play in the snow, and traveled with my family to my sister's college for Family Weekend.  And lately I've been baking a lot.  My parents told me they'll miss the cakes, cookies and pies when I leave. :)

It's too bad that blogging isn't as fun as making desserts...otherwise I'd blog all the time! Ohhh...and I'd love suggestions on new desserts to try!

The One About Miles

Well, it is now January 3.  When I left Nicaragua right before Thanksgiving, the plan was to be stateside for the holidays and be flying back to Nicaragua by today.  My plans changed quite a bit.  I'm still in Arkansas at my parents' house.  And it all is because of Miles.
Who is Miles? He's my pet.  He lives in my small intestine. Yeah, I have a parasite.  Officially, this parasite is known as Giardia.  I apparently ate/drank something that was contaminated by feces. Awesome.
 And why exactly did I name my parasite? Ummm...because I can?  haha! It seemed like a good idea at the time.  (My family has had lots of fun discussing Miles around people that don't know I have a parasite...)  Interesting fact: Giardia under a microscope looks like a smiley face or a clown's face.  But, as you might have guessed, having a parasite (even one with a friendly name like Miles) isn't fun.
Disclaimer: if you have a sensitive stomach, or just don't like reading about symptoms of parasites, please stop reading! haha :) seriously though.
For most of the time since I've been back in the US, I've had little to no appetite.  After I eat, my stomach feels terrible and it seems like there's quite a battle going on in my stomach. Also, Giardia is known to cause lactose intolerance in people, which is unfortunate because I love dairy products.  By Christmas, I'd lost 10 pounds.  I've had practically no energy.  Oh, and then there is Friday.  I'm guessing there is a set life-cycle for Miles before I get Miles Jr. and then Miles Jr. Jr, etc.  I'm guessing that that reproduction occurs on Friday.  Because on Fridays I throw up.  Let's just say that I'm not excited for Fridays!  I'll spare you the rest of the symptoms because no one really wants to know.  (Except Brian, the guy from the health department who called the other day.  He wanted all of the details to document my pet in case of an outbreak...it was a really fun conversation...)
Obviously, as soon as I discovered that Miles existed, I wanted to kill him (though I did name him first...)! Most commonly, Giardia is fought with antibiotics.  However, I didn't go that route for a couple of reasons.
1.) The medical doctor I saw when I returned from Nicaragua seemed to think I was just constipated and recommended laxatives.  Needless to say, the laxatives solved nothing.
2.) The nurse that called me to finally tell me what was going on (after I had to request more testing) couldn't pronounce or spell Giardia (or for that matter the town I live in!).  In fact, she asked me to look up Giardia online and call her back to explain it to her!
3.) The antibiotic prescribed to me was from the previously mentioned doctor and nurse (both of whom seem totally competent...uh..).  Also, that medication causes lots of nausea.  I was about to leave on an 8 hour road trip for the holdiays.  Oh, and I was already nauseous.
So, I went to see a doctor who treats with probiotics and herbs and acupuncture.  I'm not entirely sure what probiotics are or what herbs I'm taking. I don't even know what his medical background is (though I do know that he is familiar with Giardia, which is kind of important)!  I just know that for the week surrounding Christmas I was taking whiteish/yellowish powder twice a day and a total of 36 herbal pills a day.  Now, I'm down to 12 pills a day plus the powder (and the weekly acupuncture).
And this past Friday? The first Friday since my return to the US that I didn't throw up!!!  The doctor says I'm getting better and should be well soon (then Miles will be dead!!!). I'm still tired a lot and feel nauseous some.  My appetite isn't back to normal, nor is my digestive system.  But, I'm hoping that the doctor is right and I'm getting well.
My return to Nicaragua has been delayed, though I am still going back.  My plan right now is to buy my plane ticket as soon as I feel recovered.  The goal is mid-January, but I'm not going back until I am fully recovered.  And once in Nicaragua, the goal will be to not to pick up any more pets!